Sunday, January 27, 2008

I admit that I am human

I did something really really stupid yesterday and I fear it has cost me something valuable. I made a really dumb, hurtful and patently untrue comment to a friend of mine and now my friendship has turned sour. I was in the middle of some personal issues and I lashed out at my friend who was completely undeserving of my wrath and vitriol and got caught in the crossfire completely at random. It was a rare moment of frustration and insanity for me that caused me to say what I did and I wish to God I could take it back. But it's 'out there' and there's no going back. I fear our interactions (mine and my friend's) will now always be tainted by this single thing, if there are any future interactions at all, that is. What's more, we have common friends who now may also turn sour on me. All because of a dumb thing that I said in a moment of haste.

I apologized for it very soon after I said it, but to no avail. The damage had been done. We went back and forth, with my friend hurling insults at me and me replying that I deserved it and begging my friend's forgiveness. But sometimes people don't forgive and you have to live with the dumb thing you did. Every action has consequences and sometimes the smallest of things can have the most dire effects. I'm only human and I make evil mistakes from time to time and it hurts me to no end to realize that you can't always recover from those mistakes. I mean I really hurt from this. I'll think about this moment for many years to come and I will always be sad about the thing I did and even sadder that I lost the company of a sweet and kind person because I momentarily turned into a selfish prick.

When I was younger, my parents taught me to do the right thing. When you wanted something, you said "Please". When you needed someone's attention, you said, "Excuse me". And when you hurt someone, you said, "I'm sorry". Too bad they didn't tell me that doesn't always work. I hate the feeling that I hurt someone for no good reason. I hate the feeling that I can't rectify the situation. I hate the helpless feeling that the ripples are spreading.


Anonymous said...

I really hope that this will end, sooner - rather than later - for you. I was an avid reader of Ari's blog for a year, and when I first read her quick post about how someone had "wronged her" I immediatley felt bad for her. Until I started clicking the links, which led me to further revelations about how petty and immature certain people are being; and feeling like I had just wasted my brain power AND minutes in my life.

The thing about blogging that these girls obviously DO NOT understand, is that when you write something - you put yourself out there to be judged and criticized. They have the right to post what they post, and readers have the right to make comments about it - regardless of whether or not you actually know the person.

It sucks that feelings were hurt in the situation, but you owned up to it and apologized. My advice to you is find friends who understand what an apology means, and how to accept one.

DKC said...

People who don't forgive tend to thrive on anger.